T.F.R.
Wow, I cannot express my words. I came on here preparing my blog.
It was going to start like this
"I don't know who will understand, I do not even care if you do. But I am alone. I cannot go along playing like I am not. It hurts. "
But, you're comments reminded me. I'm not. My friends would all consider me out-going, opinionated, not afraid of anything (brave). But here I confess. I am out-going only hoping to find someone like me. Someone who will be a friend and care. I am opinionated but I do believe my opinions mean nothing. However, I am not brave. I am afraid of some of the simplest things. (i.e: the dark, swimming in too deep of water. 7 feet and I'm freaking out.) I have been told that I am a wonderful public speaker. But, before I go on stage I am shaking.
Well, I believe I am rambling.
I am too afraid to speak how I really feel to anyone close to me.
I will not open up.
I will not climb the wall I have built, not too mention just knocking it down.
I will not, because who is around me to truely trust, about everything?
4 comments:
Oh Dear, how well do I know that feeling - do you really think you are safe behind the walls?
I had walls too, I felt that I cannot make close friends because the day may come where I would have to either prosecute or defend even worse sat as the Judicial officer in a trial with a friend as the accused in front of me.
My walls were built so strong that I almost lost my family trough my hiding behind those walls.
After I retired it took me the best part of 5 years to demolish those walls.
Why am I telling you this? maybe just to illustrate to you that if you make the walls too high, or too smooth neither you nor your friends will be able to climb them, and that my young friend might just make you a very, very lonely lady!
I am still saying, talk about your worries wnd your whoes. I am listening and I think if you put all the responses together you might just get the respons you actually wanted, so, untill then, Good Luck.
Matilda's Mom
Being opinion definitely is more of a special benifit than a vice, just always try to do it in such a way that the person it is amed at look forward to
Walls can be both a good thing, and a bad thing. I built a wall all around me. I was bound and determined not to get my heart broken. And I met someone who is starting to try and break the walls. He's getting somewhere. I'm still keeping my distance, and keeping my guard up. Not only do I have to worry about my heart getting broken, but my kids's hearts as well.
I like your posts.
~Amanda
You and I really are very similar. I absolutely love public speaking, but those ten minutes before hand are the scariest of my life. I have to make someone, anyone laugh (deliberately) before my fear eases up.
I think it's not necessarily a wall you have going on. I don't have a wall, for example; instead, I have a series of hallways, a complete labyrinth. I'm a liar, an actress, a manipulative crazy-girl (I hope you read that sentence very quickly; it really sets the tone that way). I change my personality with little clicks. I've figured out, over time, what people want to see in me, and I've figured out, over time, exactly what I can do to endear myself to them. They love me. Everyone does. Although I've manipulated myself to the point of disgusting self-pity. There is nothing hidden about me, but no one, absolutely no one, knows everything about me. I can pick and choose whom I want to tell certain things and why. I'm a social genius and a logical mastermind, and I'm a complete idiot because I've done this to myself and can't go back because I do all of this to myself.
Yeah...I'm a crazy-girl. Oh well. No going back now, right?
Don't turn into me. It really blows, having to pick and choose who you are every moment. Not knowing who you are.
My only real advice is to figure out who you really are and hold on to that as strongly as you can. You don't have to let anyone else know until you want them to. You'll be happy then. *I think*. You're a sweet girl, very smart, but very lonely. You still have yourself. Remember that.
-Vitamin
P.S. I, too, am insanely scared of the dark.
I can relate to you, in a way. Although people know that I'm not the most confident person in the world, I know how to make myself look like I'm in control of whatever situation. But I think that there isn't a person out there who hasn't felt that at one time or another.
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